My Story

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Hi and welcome to my first Blog post, I wanted to begin by sharing with you how it all began and to do that I need to g back to the beginning of my journey, to go back before the idea of ‘mums-reclaiming you’ had even been thought of

‘I was lost in Motherhood’

I was lost in motherhood, overwhelmed and I couldn’t see how other mums seemed to manage to be mums and to ‘cope’ with everything and also to be them. How could they rock at being mum and also have hobbies, have time for themselves, go to classes or even run a business or volunteer.

I couldn’t understand how they made it happen yet I would get overwhelmed with the day. I felt like I couldn’t possibly do it all. I skipped meals or ate the kid’s leftovers, I drank perpetual cups of tea to keep me going. I self sacrificed perpetually and I didn’t just sacrifice things like going to a class or doing what I love, I sacrificed the core things that ever human needs, like proper nutrition and I even skipped things that at the time I was too embarrassed to admit, I skipped self-care things like showering and brushing my teeth. At that time I needed to make space for the people I was caring for and I cut out so much to give myself for the space to do so. I was tired, low, I stopped looking in the mirror and wore my hair in a scraped back ponytail, every single day.

I couldn’t understand how other mums managed a full face of makeup, a nice tidy clean home when I couldn’t even manage a shower. I felt so embarrassed, at the time I hid what was happening, I hid the way I was living, I tricked myself and others into thinking it was ok. But the way I was living was impacting not just my self-care but me as me at such a fundamental and essential level.

I hid it from others I made out from the outside that I was on top of everything that I needed to do, from the outside I was doing ok. I was just a busy mum, all mums are busy and tired right?

I wasn’t ok.

I wasn’t ok. I was overwhelmed with everything motherhood had given me. Every day I would feel a failure, every day I would feel like id let my husband and children down because I threw together a crap meal- again. I felt a failure because I didn’t have the things ready for them when I wanted. I felt waves of anxiety like a belt around my chest. And as these feeling consumed me they became so big and powerful within me they started to leak out, they started to come out. My relationship with my husband became fractious, I lost patience with my kids quicker, I snapped at them and inside my heart was breaking and flooded with guilt.

This wasn’t the motherhood I was expecting and had hoped for.

I was overwhelmed, full of guilt, tired sad, and lost.

Who was I, me?

Where had I gone?

And who was this version of a mother that I don’t want to be

I, me, had become lost into motherhood and to be frank with you, I was disappointed that so much of motherhood had turned out the way it had.

This was not what I ordered!!!!

I wanted one able to manage and feel less overwhelmed, ok I didn’t expect it t be totally effortless but this was too much. I wanted to stop self-sacrificing and to be the mum I wanted to be. But it wasn’t just about being mum

I was grieving, and I’m not talking about the grief for my daughter who had died a couple of years before. I was grieving the loss of me, where had I gone? Nobody told me I had to trade in who I was to become a mother? And even if I found her again, would I even recognise her would I even want to be her anymore? I was confused, I wanted me back but I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I liked anymore. I felt lost to motherhood. I felt alone. Everything I was doing wasn’t making anything any better.

I really wanted to be more than just a mum, but I also didn’t want to be less of a mum for wanting more for myself. I thought about how my children saw me, as a parent and nothing else. I didn’t want them to grow up thinking they had to choose between being a parent and being them, following their dreams. But I felt that was the message I was giving them, that was what I was showing up as to them

The way I was being a mother, the way I was doing things had worked for my mum, for my aunts. I wonder if they were ever truly happy when they were raising children? I was modelling the only mothers that I knew, how else would I know how to be a mum, we don’t get given a handbook. And what was I modelling? I was modelling the self-sacrifice and loss of identity.I remember clearly sat on the back doorstep, you know the kind of step that so low your knees are up to your chin, I cradled my tea, rested the cup on my knees, I remember the exact cup. My son was happily playing in the garden his little mind was off into his own imaginary world my other son at school. My hands warmed on the cup and those feelings, those feeling again swimming round as I sat on that step, feeling the failure the worry the emptiness and loss, I began to think, there must be another way, there must be another way I can be the mum I want to be and be me. That day I made a promise to myself to find out if there was another way. I did not want my life to be like this forever. I began to think, how am I going to do this, am I even crazy for thinking this? Can I even possibly handle this task when I can’t handle what’s happening right now. But a voice kept saying, there must be another way, there must be another way!

But a voice kept saying, there must be another way, there must be another way!

But could I do it? I thought about what I had been through just a couple of years before when my daughter had suddenly died. That was truly the hardest experience I had ever been through, but I got through it – if I can come through that, then I can come through this.

I had no idea where to start or how I would work it all of this out. So I randomly tried things, I went to a fitness class, but that created more pressure to get things done before I went out. And I was super tired already, and not eating properly. So I quit the class. I thought about getting a part-time job, just so I could get some adult conversation, but I couldn’t find anything that fit around childcare. I got my crochet stuff back out and began to crochet, but my mind kept saying you’ve got so much to do you shouldn’t be crafting… so I packed my crochet stuff away again.

And felt frustrated, and a little angry, why, why wasn’t these things working? Why, why.

And that was it, that was the answer, WHY was the answer. I needed to know why what was happening before I could remedy it.

I needed to work out why I was feeling the way I was and where had those feelings come from.

I started looking at why, why did I self-sacrifice, why did I feel overwhelmed. I started to get out of myself and look at myself as an observer. And things started to become clear and I could start looking at solutions, ways to tackle the overwhelm. The obvious solution was practical things like meal planners, organisational tools, habit trackers and while they did help they were not the full answer. They were making some of the practical things easier but the feelings were still there. I Was making progress but I had to dig deeper and I was surprised at what I found.

I started to discover the answers

I started to discover the answers, I discovered that overwhelm was not just created by physical surroundings it also came from an inner belief system. I discovered that overwhelm and self-sacrifice made me box away and forget who I was. I discovered where that overwhelm had come from and for me, it had come from the way I thought I had to be as. I discovered that it came from other people’s ideas of what a mother should be. I discovered that I was trying to live by someone else’s idea of a mother. I was constantly trying to reach someone else’s bar

As I worked through the layers I started to see me, with each new layer collected tools and techniques that got me closer to me, and to me, as me and not only me as a mother.

I took the old story of who I was and I wrote I new one, a new one that was alignment with who I wanted to be as a mother and with that the overwhelm massively reduced, with the added tools and techniques I became lighter happier clearer.

I understood why I was self-sacrificing and I re rote those stories that had kept my self-value at the low level it was at. I also, in turn, became the mum I wanted to be

I was afraid, so I kept my journey quiet

I hadn’t been open about my plans, my quest to find me. I kept it quiet because I was worried I might fail. I didn’t tell people what I was doing as I didn’t want them to tell me what I was searching for didn’t exist or that they might keep checking in on me, asking how I’m getting on. I was worried they would mock me because I was ‘finding me’ I had images of them joking I needed to go to a faraway tropical destination to ‘find me’

I was also worried they might judge me, that they might judge me as wanting to be less of a mother or less of a good mother for wanting more for me.

But I couldn’t keep it a secret because while I never openly spoke about my journey, people noticed. People noticed a change in me, so noticeable in the way I was they asked me what I was up to. My son’s playschool leader said “you look like a weight has been lifted” another person said “your beaming again” and my husband said “your back, the you in you is back, I’ve been waiting so long for this”

So what happened next, I began to grow to use what I had discovered and I began to be me. And I got myself to the point where I wanted to work on something, something that meant something to me, something that’s always been in me. But I didn’t know what.

I couldn’t keep this to myself, when I could help other mums

Now my confidence had grown at this point and I would happily talk to people about what I was up to and that I was looking to do something for me but wasn’t sure what. People said I should write a book, to share my journey so others could benefit, someone suggested I became a counsellor because of the way I am so naturally able to help people. And other things were suggested too and they all contained the same running theme. People could see what I had achieved, And that was that the journey I had just been through and the way I had done it that should be shared with others. But didn’t want to write a book or become a counsellor. The more I thought about it the more they were right. I couldn’t keep this to myself, I couldn’t let other mothers either struggle where they were or have to find out themselves when I had had the answers.

I had a way that a mother could be a mother and be them too. And thats when ‘Mums- Reclaiming You’ was born. if any of this resonates with you let me know in the comments and join the free support group

Join me and other mum all on the same journey in the free support group HERE